Hey everyone! I’m back! I feel so bad that everyone was wondering where I was. I only got the internet to work once on my phone while I was gone and it only let me send 2 emails and then I didn't have my phone the rest of the time, or else I would have told you I was okay much sooner! I got home last night, and I’ve been really emotionally tired so that’s why I only got on to send a couple of emails. So I was gone for like a month. Wow, it seems like forever to me. Probably because I was the beach for like a week before any of this happened. Basically I was at the beach and a lot of things happened that forced me to go to a rehab type place. Which sucked, but hey, I’m 30 days sober now. I’m not so sure how I feel about it, but it is pretty impressive to me and anyone who knows me. I actually got out last Wednesday, but my dad had a business trip so I had to stay with him because I can’t be home alone. Yeah, it sucks. So I’m finally home, and I’m happy about being back, but it’s kind of just weird since I’ve been gone for so long. It’s like I need to re-adjust because even though I was gone and my life stopped, not everyone else’s did. I don’t know, it’s weird. I feel weird.

So yeah, that’s where I’ve been. I will try to get on later tonight to explain everything more. I would now but I’m really tired and I haven't been sleeping well. And actually it is somewhat traumatic for me to think through everything again. I’m still processing it myself. And I have to go the doctor and my therapist ugh. I'm super excited about that...gr. And then eye doctor because my prescription is old and I can’t see. Then I’m going to take a nap. I want to see my brothers, and they can probably come over, but I don't know. And I really need to see my friends, but I’m not so sure what their situation is and I’m not sure I want to know just yet. I might get upset, and I’m trying to avoid that. So yeah, I’ll most likely be on tonight. Then I can talk to everyone and explain things more. And ha I could almost cry. I’ve missed you guys :]

Freaking messed up birth control is making me crazy. I can't stand to not be on it anymore. The whole thing is ridiculous and is just really pissing me off! Grrr Okay I feel better. :]
But seriously if this stuff keeps going on I'm going to freak out.

[Edited by: Moderator5]

I tried to convince myself that I didn't care. I tried to convince everyone that I didn't care. I tried to pretend I didn't need you. That my body wasn't aching for you. I tried pretend that you didn't hurt me. I tried to pretend that I don't love you. I tried to convince myself that I didn't need you, that I didn't love you.

I even tried to find someone else. But he was nothing. They were nothing. Anyone other than you is nothing.

I love you. I just need you to love me too. I need you to need me the way I need you. And if you already do, then let's just stop all this nonsense.

[Edited by: Moderator2]

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I wake up on Mother's Day in your bed. It's the only place I really want to be. You're still sound asleep. I press my chest to your back and wrap my arm around you so that yours is lying over mine. I can feel your heart beating steadily. I listen intently and then match my breathing to yours. I feel so close to you. It's like we are no longer two people, we are together as one. All I need is you. I love you, and I know that you love me. So screw mothers. We don't need them. All we'll ever need is each other.

It's always amazed me how the person that you hate the most is the only person you can ever really love.

How you can keep giving everything you have to that person and when you have nothing left, they'll just leave you there, and you'll find a way to just accept that, and pretend you're okay with it.

And what truly amazes me is that no matter how badly he hurts me I continue to go back to him, over and over and again.

Because with him, I feel something. Something so intense that it hurts. And even if what I feel is pain, it doesn't matter, because I'm just thankful to be feeling anything.

And when I'm lying next to him, I know that I'm safe, and even if it's only until we wake up, somehow that seems to be enough for me. Even if it's really not. I'll pretend that it is, because I so desperately need it to be.

--
Edited by Blair_Always at 04/24/2009 11:54 PM PDT

***I was really upset yesterday. But I do feel better now:] Yay for me. Anyway, this is what I wrote except I've edited it some, but if need be, I can always edit it more :] ***

I think that I may have possibly messed everything up. Well it was a joined effort but who the heck cares about the logistics of it. The point is that it's over now. Maybe it was over along time ago. And I just kept lying to myself. I just wanted it to work so bad. I wanted to be happy. But I think that maybe we're not supposed to be happy. We're too dysfunctional. We feed off of each other's pain and suffering. And it's so tragically beautiful that we just keep going. Because it feels so good. But it hurts too much, and I think I just thought it felt good because at least I was feeling something. Something so intense that it made everything else go away. But I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to feel. I should hate him. I should wish the most awful things on him. But he is so freaking amazing. And together we're like even more amazing. All I want to do is feel him, but I can't. I only feel where he is not. I hate him soooo much. He is such a freaking jerk, but all I want to do is be with him because he is everything. Because I'll always love him. But it's over right now.

And God, I'm about to go off on a wild tangent, so if you're reading this I'd stop about here. Because who the heck was I kidding anyway? I'm not nice and I'm not a good person. I was for awhile, but like I said who am I kidding? I'm a screw up. I can lie all I want, but I don't think I can ever be anything different than what I've always been. I'm a (censor). I'm a wohre. I'm a liar and a cheater and a user. I'm the girl who comes to practice an hour late and so freaking messed up that I can't walk straight, and it makes everyone mad, but they don't say anything because I'm freaking amazing, but then I quit because I get bored. I come to meetings so out of it that after about 10 minutes of being there I leave because I can't remember why I'm even involved in whatever it is. Because it's the stuff I used to mock relentlessly. Because I'm a spoiled brat and that is what I do. Not really, but it is what I did and so sometimes when I'm like this I get confused.

Basically I've gone back to being the selfish, undependable, lying, crazy, messed up little (censor)that I used to be. But I think part of me missed it. Because I got bored. Just like I always do. Just like I always get bored with everything. That's why I'm not dependable. I get annoyed and bored very easily. So I move on quickly, without thinking about others.

That's why people hate me. That's why I don't have friends. That's why my dad hates me. That's why my sister hates me. Because I'm not nice and I drive people away. I mean, I do have a nice side, I can be good, but for some reason not matter how much I like it or go with it for I always get bored and I always go back to old ways. Maybe I'm like a sadist? Or whatever it is that like pain and dysfunctionality and that's like not even a word, but it sounds good. I am detached, but I'm attached to the detached.

And God I don't even know what I am talking about. And you all are going to think I am crazy. But that's okay because I am crazy and no one has any idea how much.

But this will go away by next week. At least I think so. Because I'm not going to stay like this. I think I just got bored and I subconsciously did something about it. So I'm going to let this wear off and once I'm feeling better I'll go fix it all. I'll tell him everything. And I'll come here and explain everything. But for now, this is me. This is who I really am. I'll be okay. But I just want to say that this is who I am. This is what I do. This is what I will always be.

I think maybe I just feel bad for neglecting the people I talk to here and I wanted you to know that this is where I'll be for awhile so that's why haven't heard from me. But I'll come back. Once this has faded. I'm just not sure when that will be.

Just know that I'm alright, I'm just a little confused right now.
*I do feel better, but I'm still really confused

[Edited by: Moderator2]

I think I have mono...again. I say again because I had it last year around this time. I've been sick for like a month. It's ridiculous. I should probably go to the doctor, but I'm afraid they will confirm that I have it and then I will feel even more sick than I already am just because I know that I have it. Also, if I do have mono Kevin probably has it too, and that would suck. I'd go back and change that so that it would make more sense, but if you're reading this I know that you're a smart person and can figure it out. I know that because I know who reads my blog. :]

I'm kind of behind in school because I missed 3 days two weeks ago and then I went home early on Thursday and I came in late on Friday, but I'm working on stuff now, so hopefully I will be caught up by Tuesday.

I discovered a new tv show; Skins. It's like a British teen show and I love it. It's so funny. I'm halfway through the 2nd season. Also, I've been watching Heroes and I'm a couple of episodes into the 3rd season. I love it too. Also, I've been watching That 70's Show like crazy because it's hilarious. You know what I just realized? I know why I've found 3 new shows too watch. It's because Gossip Girl, OTH, and 90210 have been off for like 3 weeks, and they don't come back for another week. I guess I subconsciously found a way to feed my addiction so that I wouldn't have withdrawals. Again, I'd edit that so it would make sense. But if you're reading this, you understand :]

Well, I'm going to stop avoiding my homework now. It's really hard not too though. Honestly, I just wrote that and I stopped and just stared at the screen. Because if I post this then I have to close the window and go back to writing an essay, and I have 6 to write. So I'm probably just going to sit here and stare for a little while longer. That's how much I don't want to do my homework. Sitting, staring, sitting, staring. Okay, I'll go. But I'm not happy about it.

Sorry, I haven't replied to any messages. I read them. Do I get points for that? :]

School has been crazy. I've been really busy with homework and practices and after school meetings. Fun stuff, right? Well, maybe a little fun. Its weird. I'm not getting that bliss feeling about high school anymore, but don't worry, its okay. Its like I don't hate it, but I don't like it either. It's just there. I do what I have to do. And I'm okay with that. I don't know ha. I'll explain more later.

So yeah, school's been crazy. Then Kevin and I were fighting. Then he got sick, and I took care of him. And then we weren't fighting anymore lol. And then I was sick, but he was still more sick, so I took care of both of us. So I'm a little exhausted. Because as most of you know, I can't afford to miss anymore school. Sucks for me. Ha oh well, I did it to myself. :]

So that's it. I'll catch up more this weekend. Also, I have really really great news! At least for me it is, although it doesn't directly apply to me, it's still really great!

All right, well I just wanted to let you know I didn't die. Although with the way my head is pounding there's a good possibility that time could be soon lol. Just kidding :]

I'll talk to you all later. Much love!

.

Until I'm 17!!! Yay for me! Nothing is planned yet, but thats okay because 17's really not that special anyways and I had a really big party last year. So I don't want a party this year. My girl friends and I are going shopping on Saturday so we'll go to lunch then shop and then see where we are and get with the boys and probably hit up a night place. Which is fine with me. It's actually exactly want I want to do.

Kevin and I have been getting a lot closer. I spent Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday night with him. His mom has been staying with her new boyfriend so he's had the place to himself, which he loves. He's been less jerkish lately, which normally scares me, but recently I've found it nice. It was cool because we even 2 nights just sleeping, not having sex first. It was nice to have him next to me. His body warmth was comforting and he rubbed my back and shoulders until we fell asleep. I actually had trouble getting to sleep in my own bed Thrusday night. I would have stayed tonight, but I had some things I needed to do before school tomorrow. So yeah, it's just been nice. Especially with the season I guess. haha. And its weird how I've had no desire to be with anyone else. Now if I could just figure out what to get him for Christmas.

*School got out early because there was something wrong with the heat and everyone was freezing. So YAY!

*My brother and my boyfriend type person are now partners in crime. Fun.

*My birthday is in 9 days! I will be 17! Yay! It's weird.
*My father will be gone next week.
*She will not be.
*I'm okay with that.

*I have my period and my back hurts. It's been doing this the last couple of periods.
*I'm not okay with that.

So I can't reply to any messages, because I don't have any to reply to. I deleted them. Everything in my inbox is gone. I only have my sent messages. I know, it sounds really stupid, because, well it is. My laptop was being slow, so I just started clicking really fast because I was mad, I know, not such a smart idea. So I must have clicked to delete everything. Yay...:[ So if you sent me a message, and I didn't reply, if you want you can re-send me that message. That would be good, because I really would like to reply, I just can't.

Tomorrow is Thanksging. I'm going to get out of here as soon as I can so that I don't get trapped. Then I'm going shopping with Justin's girlfriend all day, and we'll see a movie. I think I want to see Secret Life of Bees, but my friend told me that I would cry all the way through the second half, so I'm not sure if I want to be sad or if I want to watch a more happy type of movie. We'll see. Then we're going back to their apartment to eat a mix of chinese and selective Thanksgiving type foods. I know, we're weird, but we like it. I'll spend the night there, and then Friday I'll hang out with my sister and the baby and we're going to see Chris so he can see the baby.

I really need to do more shopping. I also have a lot of English crap, and Chemistry book work. Grrr. But I guess I'll do it if I get bored.

So, that's pretty much it. Message me ;] And oh yeah, I'll be 17 in less than a month! Yay! Happy Thanksgiving!

I haven't really been around. So I haven't been posting...or responding to messages! Sorry! I've read them though!! Does that count? :]

Things have just been catching up with me. I've been busy with school and dance, yay...Gr. I'm so over school. I want it to be over. I have so many other better things I could be doing. I joined a new dance team. I don't really know why. I guess just to give me something to do that normal people my age do. It's nice I guess, I'm still just getting the feel for it.

I went to see my sister. I love that baby. I want her. It sucks because I feel so detached, and I just want to be around my sister and the baby. But then I don't. It makes me feel so dependent. Like for some reason I need her. And I don't. I don't. I did when I was younger, and she was only there so much, but I don't need her now. I'm almost 17. (Yay!) Also, I think really she misses here too much. I think she feels really isolated, and like she's trying to hard for the sake of her husband and daughter. Which really I think it would be better if Alexis was here, because, duh, I'm here.

Chris is staying with his mom. He went over for his sister's birthday, which he wasn't thrilled about, and while he was there he tore his ACL. So that's why he stayed. I couldn't call his cell because he wouldn't be able to talk since he was a little drugged up because of the painkillers. So I called and talked to his mom. Which was, well, awkward. She's nice. I like her...and I don't want to talk about that. Some of you can guess why. But yeah, I think she needs him. And I don't. And he's better there anyways. I don't know if he's going to stay, but if he does, then maybe it's just time. Which I don't know how I feel about that. Except I guess all good things come to an end, and thats not a bad thing, and its not even really an end. I know, I sound so stupid right now, but that's okay. Most of you know I ramble when I get all analytical. If that was the correct word to use.

Justin's girlfriend came with me to see my sister. I love her. She really wants things to get more serious. Good. She wants to have an adult life, because she's an adult. Justin...well, he still thinks he's 17. I love her so much, and I know he does too. The only thing is that she doesn't want to think about starting a family with someone so dysfunctional. But....she will. :] And thats okay with me. Everyone's been saying this forever, but he'll come around eventually.

Things have been pretty much the same with me and Kev. I feel like I'm in a Chuck/Blair relationship. Which is so stupid (great storyline though) because I'm not messed up like that, we don't play 'games, and because my name is Blair. Stupid, I know. But it's true, and I've always thought this. If we're together, won't it not be fun anymore? And fun as in good. Like it will be boring. Then I won't hate/love him. We don't do high school boyfriend/girlfriend. That's stupid. But anyways, things are going well for him. He's making better grades and he's mending his relationship with his dad.

My other friend is doing a lot better too. He hasn't been in any trouble and he and his mom are on great terms.

Honestly, I kind of feel like everyone around me is making all this progress and I just feel stuck. Yet, I know I'm doing a lot of things better, but it just doesn't feel like it.

I think I'm becoming a pill popper. Not in a bad sort of way, but more in a way that I take something for everything that's wrong with me. I take my regular medicince. Sometimes I take more if needed. Like if I'm feeling extra anxious, I take a whole pill instead of half. If I'm stuffed up or my eyes are itchy I take some allergy medicine. If I have a cold I take cold medicine. If I feel pain anywhere I take ibuprofen. And if it's not gone in 3 hours I take some tylenol. If I can't sleep I take some melatonin or a muscle relaxant. If my back hurts I take a muscle relaxant and an anti inflammatory. I seriously take a pill for everything. But whatever. If it works, why not? I just thought I'd share that information since I just took 8 pills.

So that's what's been going on with me. And when I do have time I just haven't really felt like being on the computer. I'm actually going to go to bed, not fall asleep, because I have to watch tv. And not in my bed, because I've been sleeping on the couch, but I am going to get my pillow and blanket and everything and get ready to go to sleep. At a slightly normal time too-11. Everyone should be proud.

I've decided that I'm going to make it plain and simple. As much as part of me loves that it's so complicated and tragically romantic, I just don't want to be hurt anymore. We should be together. We belong together. We have from the beginning. We shouldn't be with other people. I know it and he knows it. And I am so freaking sick of seeing him with her. He doesn't even like her! She not even as pretty as me...And god knows he's not sleeping with her.

So why if we spend the night with each other do we have to be with someone else during the day? That's just stupid. Maybe we both just try so hard to make each other jealous so that we can prove that we don't need each other even though we do just because it's been so long and painful. If that makes sense...which it doesn't because we're both just extremely dysfunctional people.

And part of me loves that, and god knows he does because he likes being messed up because then he doesn't have to care, and part of me likes that about him and me, or I used to, but I have to focus on healthy relationships and not dysfunctional ones. It's something I've realized recently.

So I'm basically rambling. He just makes so mad. But I love him. And I want to tell him everything. That I love him, that I ache for him, that I want to be everything with him, that I'm so glad the first time was with him, that I'm sorry, and that all those other guys never meant anything to me. That I didn't sleep with him for nothing. That he isn't nothing to me. That he's everything. I want him to know and I want to get all this stupid crap out of the way so that we can just do things like normal people do.

I mean for god's sake, we're not 15 years old anymore...jeez.

Sorry I haven't been around. I start school on Tuesday and I just got back from my sister's Friday night and I've had a lot to do. I'm just kind of feeling badly right now, so I took a break from my stupid huge French packet that I'm seriously considering burning to pieces.

So Wednesday is the anniversary of my mom's death. She died 14 years ago. She was in a car accident. I was in the car and my aunt was too. My aunt was killed instantly. My mom went to the hospital but she died there. I was fine, aside from a few scrapes and bruises.

I normally don't feel much. I didn't really understand the significance until I was around 11 or so. But still it didn't really hit me until I was 14. That year I got really depressed about it. Some other things happened then that contributed to me feeling so bad, but realizing that it was the day she died just kind of hit me and sent me off the edge.

Last year I just felt numb. This year I kind of feel the same way, but it's different.

I don't miss my mom. I didn't know her. I must have loved her. I was almost 3. 2 and a half year olds know how to love right? So I had to have loved her. And she had to have loved me. But I don't know because I don't remember. All I know is that I feel where she isn't.

My dad, my sister, my brother. They can love her. They can miss her. I can't. I don't know how. And I hate that. I want to miss her. I want to remember her. I want to love her. But I don't know how. I know it sounds stupid. It is stupid. But that's just always the way I felt.

I guess that's why I'm the way I am. That's why I do the things I do. At least that's what people think. Maybe if my dad had paid more attention to me. Maybe if he'd tried harder. But he didn't. I was fine, and she died. I reminded him to much of her. So he ignored me. Maybe if he had married someone early on and had actually stayed with her. Maybe then. But he didn't. He just didn't.

I've never been to her grave. It creeps me out. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I would say. Am I supposed to say something? Sometimes they do that in movies. So maybe that's what you're supposed to do when you go to a grave. Or do you just lay flowers down and go? I actually don't see a point to it. Maybe this year, but I don't know. I don't think I really want to go. No one ever asked me to go. Maybe they don't go. So maybe I shouldn't.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I just feel really sad this time. I go back to school tomorrow, and I just feel sad. Like I'm excited about school, but it always reminds me of how things could have been. I'll probably write more tomorrow about it, I'm in a writing mood, but right now I've got to get some sleep.

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Edited by Blair_Always at 08/25/2008 9:15 PM PDT